Memories of Times Forgotten
by Mrs. Kitsune
Summary: Fem!Kirk! What did Jim feel as she was dying? What times did she remember in her final moments? Little bit of Kirk/Spock at the end. Crap summery. Now continued due to popular request.
1. Chapter 1

**The Fox's Garden Presents: Memories of Times Forgotten**

**Part One: James T. Kirk**

* * *

I almost tripped down a now-vertical hallway of the Enterprise, the gravity simulators only working for a few minutes at a time. Scotty caught me before I tumbled down a one-way trip to death. Scotty and I were sprinting on the walls of my ship, doing our damnedest to get to engineering to somehow fix it. Running along the decks was extremely disorienting- it was like something out of that old Earth story Alice in Wonderland, everything upside down and backwards. I winced as my chest bounced. This was why I normally bound my chest, I just could not find the right bra. Back to business.

It took only one or two minutes for us to get to engineering, but when your ship is plummeting to Earth at well over 700 miles per hour, seconds cost lives. I was panting like a dog, and I was sure that I was sweating up a storm, but I didn't care. Not at the moment. Air couldn't rush into my lungs fast enough, my lungs were burning. I felt like I had breathed in hot coals, but I didn't care. Not now.

"The radiation would kill us, Captain! We can't make the climb!" Scotty was telling me. "We'd die before we even got to the chamber, and what good'd that do us?"

"You're right Scotty."

"Captain, we can't- wait, what?" He sounded shocked that I had agreed with him. I glanced back at his face and almost smiled at the gob smacked look on his face.

"I said you're right." I turned to him, taking a breath and clenching my fist. "We're not making the climb." I knocked him out before he even had a chance to look too shocked that I was throwing a punch. I strapped him to his chair, and quickly opened the glass door that was stronger than titanium and half an inch thick, and plunged into the radiation chamber.

* * *

It burned. The radiation was burning me. Every cell in my body was screaming in agony, every touch felt like a white hot iron pressing into my skin, every movement felt like I was crawling through flames. It hurt, oh god it hurt- but I had to go on. I couldn't stop; Khan would kill everyone if I didn't get the warp engines online. So I endured. I had to endure. I had to save everyone...

Suddenly, I wasn't in the cramped tunnel to the warp chamber anymore. I wasn't even on the Enterprise anymore. I was in a club, a glass of bourbon in my hand, quietly observing some Starfleet cadets get drunk and start fights.  
_  
__Cigarette smoke was thick in the air, a small platter of peanuts by my elbow. The bar was dark, but red-tinted light shone on some of the booths and the dance floor. The music was loud, almost too loud, but because it was a club, nobody cared if their eardrums ruptured. The floor was polished oak, slightly scuffed from the many shoes and heels that had slipped and slid on the spilled drinks. The walls were dark, the seats red leather, the crowd relatively good, but always up for a good fight.__The only thing that was majorly different about this club, was that it catered to the extremely rowdy and... energetic Starfleet cadets whenever they had a break. _

_Nearly every other bar and club in the small town just outside of the academy had banned them. They started fights like it was the last day of their lives, like it was the only thing they were capable of doing. Which was why I was keeping an eye on them; I was great friends with the owner of the establishment, Erica Varbox-who was also the barkeeper. So I had made her a deal. I would keep any major fights to a minimum, 'major' being property damage or danger to woman pride. Again, 'damage to woman pride' being several guys ganging up on a girl. I had told her that I would do all of this for the exchange of one free drink per night. No more, sometimes- not all the time, but sometimes- less. On those nights I just didn't want a drink. This time, I chose the bourbon__._

_I was watching a couple of beefy Starfleet cadets that were being particularly rowdy. The red uniforms they were wearing were disheveled and slightly stained, making a mockery of what Starfleet cadets should have been. They were all male, bigger than me, and had probably chosen to be security officers for their career in Starfleet. The point being, they knew how to fight. Fight, and fight well. They were arguing loudly, something about who was the best womanizer, who could nab a girl the quickest, and who could bang her the longest. Bunch of heartbreakers, the lot of them. They were attractive enough to lure a girl in, but hearing them talk about their... habits, was making me see red. But I wouldn't dare get up from my very comfy bar stool until a girl was threatened or punches were thrown, I liked this bar, and I didn't want Erica to have to ban me._

_I watched the biggest one meander off to the dance floor, the rest following his lead a few seconds later. They singled out this one girl, Amanda was her name, and she was a regular here and a great kid. Never drank, just a coke and a great time was all she wanted every Friday. They started hounding her for a good time, reaching out to try and grab her. It progressed to the point where I slammed my drink on the counter, got up, and stalked over to them, a murderous glare on my face.__The regulars saw me coming from a mile away, and quickly vacated the floor, choosing instead to either go grab a drink, eat something, go home, or sit down for a bit. Some of the cadets noticed, and followed confusedly. Soon it was only the more oblivious people and my targets. The regulars knew that the club wasn't the place to start fights; they knew from experience that I would put the fear of god into whoever started a fight. The cadets, who were only here a few times a year, didn't know that._

_Amanda had started struggling, and the security-trainees didn't like that very much. Amanda turned towards me, and let out a sigh of relief when she caught my eye.__"James! Thank goodness you're here! I thought they would rape me..." She sounded very scared, but at the same time relieved that I was here. The goons looked around stupidly for a dude named James, not realizing that I was James. Sometimes I was grateful for my male name. Amanda squeezed out of the group of apes while they were distracted, ran up to me and gave me a hug, silver cross dangling at her neck. "James, they scared me... don't let them take me, please." She was crying, big fat tears slipping down her cheeks. I put my arm around her protectively._

_"It'll be okay, Amanda." I said, my eyes not leaving the idiots. The DJ shut off the music. "I'll make sure of it."_

_A quick fight, several bets, and a split lip later, I grabbed the three of them by the backs of their collars and shoved them out into the street. I dusted off my hands as they groaned in a pile of stupidity._

_"What in the name of the Enterprise is going on here?!" An older fellow broke in, wearing an admiral's uniform._

_"Short answer or long one?" I wiped the blood from my lip, wiping my hand on my jeans__._

_"An answer!" He said, still slightly shocked at seeing three Starfleet cadets moaning in the street._

_"Short answer: their IQ is lower than your average ameba. Long answer: they were ganging up on a girl half their size. If I hadn't broken in when I did, I would not be surprised if I was taking a rape victim to the hospital in the morning. Admiral, control your cadets." I flipped my hair, cocked a hip, and stalked back to the bar, where the clubbing resumed._

_No one was allowed to hurt my friends._

I was at the end of the tunnel. _...What?_ I looked back and saw bloody hand prints along the metal grating, all the way back to where I had zoned out. I had no idea how much time had passed. I glanced at my hands and realized that the grating was getting hot. Very hot, it had burned my hands. I shook it off and continued on, the door to the warp chamber in my sights. I didn't know why I had zoned out, but Amanda had somehow secured a spot in the science program at Starfleet. She had died while helping people during Nero's massacre of Starfleet ships. The club was still there, and my deal with Erica was still active, although she did get a big assistant to do my job while I wasn't there.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead, letting out a shaky breath as I continued down the last few yards to the warp chamber.

_I was thirteen years old. Running through the wheat fields on our farm barefoot, trying to get to the one spot my step dad wouldn't be able to follow. I had done something in his eyes that had warranted a beating- he was drunk and mom was off-planet. There was no one to protect me this time._

_I leaped over a wooden fence; just on the other side was thick woods, where he would have difficulty following because of his beer belly. I landed hard on the balls of my feet on the other side. A sharp pop seemed to echo from my right foot, and I gasped in pain. I was scared to look at my foot, but I would have to if I wanted to get away. I hesitantly looked at my foot, and whimpered when I saw the angle it was bent. It was dislocated. I wouldn't be able to run anymore._

_I heard Frank stumbling through the bushes near the fence. I looked at my ankle again, steeled my nerves, and got up. It hurt like you would expect it to, like I was trying to run on a bleeding stump instead of a foot. Needless to say- I almost passed out, but I stumbled on. I tried to put as little weight as possible on it, if at all, but as the shadows grew longer, I was seeing more and more stars. Not the pretty ones in the sky, either, but the ones that danced across your vision like malicious pixies that threatened to make you fall asleep and get killed by your raging stepfather._

_It was then that I saw it. The small cabin, way out in the woods that was my secret place to go and hide. It wasn't perfect by any means, in fact it was falling apart. It had a huge hole in the roof, the windows were missing, the wood was rotting, and I was positive that a good strong wind would blow it over. I was pretty sure that the only reason it hadn't collapsed yet was because of the ivy holding it together by tendrils of vines. I stumbled into the gaping hole where the door used to be, and practically fell onto the small bed of old hay and soft blankets I had gathered there across the years. My ankle had turned a nasty shade of dark purple, and it throbbed painfully. I didn't know how to fix it, and I was scared that I would die here. I couldn't go back, and I couldn't stay. Not like this._

_I stared at the stars through the hole in the roof, and wished that I could fly.__  
_  
My hands were on the door. I didn't have time to ponder the last vision, because I knew- I felt it in my very bones that we were getting dangerously close to Earth. I opened it as fast as I could and rushed into the chamber.

The metallic pile of cables, wires, machines, and panels was ominous, and the place I needed to go was right at the top. Where there should have been a smooth flow of clean energy, there stood only a lopsided and disconnected pillar. If I were as strong as Spock I might have been able to just shove it back into place, but since I was human, weak, dying, and a _girl_ I might not be able to. I shook my head as the ship lurched.

One problem at a time.

_"Mommy, why is my name James?" A four year old me asked my tired mother after a long day at work. Mom looked at me and smiled sadly, her eyes distant._

_"Well, the doctor who was helping me on the day you were born didn't speak English very well. He mixed up 'boy' and 'girl', so he told me you were a boy when you were in fact a very pretty young lady." My mother giggled and pinched my cheeks. I pouted and shook my head to make her let go. My honey-blonde curls bounced around my head, the dark blue ribbon with silver stars holding them away from my face not doing a good job._

_"So... you named me James?"_

_"Well, your Daddy told me that he wanted to name you James. After my Dad. So when he died, I... I wanted to name you James too. James isn't a bad name. It's a good, strong name. Your Daddy was a hero, Jamie. So when Starfleet told me that he wasn't coming home..." Her eyes looked sparkly for some reason. I realized they were tears. "When they told me that he wasn't coming home, I kept your name James; I named you after a hero."_

_Little four-year-old me frowned. "Mommy, I want to be a hero. Just like Daddy."__  
_  
I was halfway up the warp command grid, which was a little over a fourth of the way up the pile. I blinked._ What…? _I shook my head and reached up to grab a thick cable so I could haul myself up further. The metal was hot, and all I wanted to do was let go of it, lie down, and fall asleep. Why was I climbing again? Why couldn't I lie down? I was really tired...

No! No, I had to save the ship! I have to-… I have to… save everybody…

_I knew that entering a new code in the Kobayashi Maru test was bound to get me torn a new one, but I just couldn't leave it well enough alone now, could I? It was designed to be undefeated, a huge expectation placed upon new cadets._

_The Kobayashi Maru. The test that no one has ever passed. Until today, if you're lucky._

_To be fair, all that I did was enter three possible ways that someone could win. The fact that a Vulcan designed the test only helped me in this instance, he knew it would be perfect. No need to check the codes until it started malfunctioning, like all tests did. I knew it was only a matter of time until the insufferable instructor checked over the base codes for the program and noticed my three strings of numbers. But until then, there were three ways for someone to win. Only three ways to win in a seemingly limitless number of ways to lose. Still pretty unfair, and I and made sure that winning was almost impossibly difficult- even for me; but it was still there._

_There is always a way to win.__  
_  
I was at the top. I tried shoving the pillar back into place, but after several tries I had to try it at a different angle. I hung onto a bar that was conveniently right where I needed it to be- if perhaps a bit higher.

I put all my years of fighting, gymnastics, and momentum into slamming my feet into the pillar. It groaned, but didn't move. I slammed my feet into it again and again, each time getting more desperate until I was yelling.

"WHY THE HELL WON'T YOU_ MOVE_, GODDAMN IT!?" I slammed my feet into it again, and it groaned.

It didn't shift.

I started to cry. _Spock_, I thought brokenly, _I'm sorry, I couldn't do it... I'm so sorry._

_It was the day after the incident with Nero was over and done with. Everyone else was celebrating in a bar back in San Francisco, but not me. I didn't want to celebrate just yet. Yeah, I was glad this whole thing was over and done with, but I just wanted some time alone to mourn all of my classmates that had died in the first battle with Nero._

_It seemed like everyone else had forgotten about them._

_Not me._

_Amanda was on one of the Miranda-class ships. The USS Angora. Hers was the first to arrive, and the first to fall. I mourned the bright young girl whom I had saved from those stupid cadets just a few short years ago. I had a bottle of Vodka in my hand, still sealed. I didn't want to start drinking yet, but the bottle was certainly calling my name at this point. I wondered how Spock must feel- his entire planet, along with most of his species gone. If I was this bad over a considerably small number of people in comparison, he must have felt as if he carried the weight of over a thousand suns on his shoulders._

_I sniffed, scrubbing my eyes with the sleeve of my new Command-Gold colored, Starfleet-issue captain's shirt. I sat down on a rock on the bank of the stream I had found out in the redwood trees. The water was perfectly clear, and it sparkled in the moonlight. A random piece of trivia popped into my head._

'Vodka' means 'water' in Russian. The day I know where the hell that came from will be the day I can play the banjo to Bohemian Rhapsody_. I thought to myself dryly. I quickly unsealed the bottle, and was about to take a swig when I heard someone coming from the trail I had taken to get here. I froze, not wanting to talk to anybody._

_"Captain?" I heard a familiar deep voice say._

_"Spock?" I spluttered, shocked. "What are you doing way out here? It's cold- you'll freeze!" My voice gave no hint as to the heavy heart I had been sporting a few seconds earlier. I put on my normal face for his benefit. I knew that even with his prized Vulcan control, he was still feeling the shock and grief of losing his mother. Not even that could cover up emotions that strong._

_"I do find myself desiring warmer temperatures at the moment, thank you for your concern." Which was Spock for 'I'm fine.'_

_"Well... if you get too uncomfortable, let me know." He raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at me, looking incredulous from the corner of his eye._

_He stood in silence for a few minutes, before finally saying something. "Do you mind if I sit with you?"_

_A crease formed between my eyebrows at the odd request, but nodded my head, saying- "Sure," absently. The incredibly tall and rather cute Vulcan gracefully settled next to me on the mossy rock I had perched on, and sighed so softly that I almost didn't hear, but I knew my friend better than he thought. I knew better than to say anything, though- it was better for him to come out with it on his own, so I wordlessly offered him the vodka. He stared at it for a few seconds, but took it anyways._

_I stared out at the water. The shattered reflection of the moon stared back at me, and it seemed to look into my soul._

_"James."_

_"Hmm?" I looked up. He handed the bottle back to me, a decent amount of the strong liquid gone. "Oh, thanks." I took a swallow, and handed it back.__This continued, and the tips of my fingers were starting to feel warm when he finally broke. I could hold my liquor about as well as a Vulcan, so I was only as buzzed as he was. He didn't really break, per say, but the vodka did it's job well, and let the words flow easier. It started the conversation. _

_"What are you doing all the way out here while the rest of the crew is celebrating?"_

_I closed my eyes. "Personal reasons." I found myself wanting to tell him why I was here. Why I was the way I was, why I had been such a jerk to him- although I didn't really know that one myself._

_"That is not sufficient information."_

_"You're right," I paused, more vodka slipping down my throat, eyes still closed. "I'm mourning." I opened them to gaze back at his slightly shocked expression._

_"What is there for you to mourn?" He asked me, a touch of confusion coloring his voice._

_"A good friend of mine, a sister, really, was on the USS Angora. It was the first ship to be destroyed by Nero. I'm also mourning the souls of all of my other classmates that died that day." I swallowed. "I mourn those lost on the Enterprise due to my stupidity." I chuckled dryly. "Thousands of people total, and only one bottle of vodka. I know you must feel worse though."_

_"Those deaths were not your fault, James-"_

_"Call me Jim. James is my father."_

_He paused. "...Jim, those deaths are not on your hands. Nero was the one who killed them, not you." His chocolate brown eyes looked black as pitch in the low light. "I do not see why you are blaming yourself; there is almost nothing that you could have done to save more lives. You are a hero."_

_I gave him a small smile, still looking into his eyes. "Then why do you blame yourself for your planet's destruction?" Let the world know that I, James Tiberius Kirk, have the ability to make a Vulcan look like a kitten doused in ice water. A shocked, scared, and soaking wet kitten. "There's nothing more you could have done. And believe me, I'm pretty sure I've thought of every single way you could have saved them, but none of them could have prevented great loss." I paused. "At least you saved your history. You saved everyone that you possibly could. And sometimes, that's the best you can do..."__  
_  
**THUMP.**

I remembered that day. It was the day I started to fall in love with him.  
**  
****THUMP.**

That prat, he was so oblivious...

_"OW!" I yelled. "BONES! That hurts!"_

_"Well, you shouldn't have gotten into yet another bar fight!" He snapped right back at me as he dabbed a cut on my temple with disinfectant. "I'm getting tired of picking glass out of your fists!"_

_I was sitting on an uncomfortable chair in the middle of Med Bay, and Bones was now picking up tweezers to get some random shard of glass in the cut. "Well, I didn't start it! I never do! I just break up fights and it gets violent. And it wasn't a bar fight!"_

_He scoffed. "Yeah. Right."_

_"Captain?" Spock walked in. "You are needed on the Bridge." His eyebrows rose when he saw McCoy picking glass out of my head. "What, pray tell, happened this time?" He sounded slightly resigned._

_"A girl was about to get raped! What was I supposed to do, pull out the popcorn and watch!? No! That's not who I am!" I defended myself. "And if Starfleet can't handle that, well they're just gonna have to deal with it." I was silent from then on._

_Spock surprised me with what he said next. "It... is a justified reason. I am sure that the woman you saved is grateful for your actions."_

_"...She wasn't a woman." I glared at the floor. "When I say girl, I mean a girl."_

_McCoy dropped his tweezers. They landed in my lap and slid to the floor with a clatter. Spock my first officer looked shocked. It was hard to tell, but if you knew him you would be able to see the subtle widening of his eyes._

_"...How old?"_

_I looked at my two friends from under my lashes, but couldn't hold their gaze. Looking down, I continued. "She looked seven." They were silent._

_Bones stared at me for a few seconds, before sighing, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. "A little girl will grow up, her innocence still intact because Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise put the fear of god into- how many?"_

_"Four," I said gruffly._

_"-four guys. She'll grow up knowing that she's worth it. How many kids look up to you now? How many kids will want to grow up to be just like you? Damn it Jim, you just can't stop being a hero, can you?" He shook his head, a smirk-like grin on his face._

_"Nope," I replied, popping the 'p'. "As long as there's a kid crying silently somewhere, I'll be there. Kids shouldn't cry, they've got their entire childhood to be happy. If I have to live forever-I'll do it. I'd do almost anything to make them stop crying. They deserve better."_

_"I believe you are right, Jim. No child deserves what almost happened." My first officer agreed. "What was her name?" _

_"I didn't get her name, but moving on- why am I needed on the bridge? What's going down?"_

_"We have a new mission. You are needed on the bridge." The Vulcan informed me._

_"Alright. Bones, are we done?" I looked up to him._

_"Just about," he grumbled. Just one more moment- there we go." He slapped a bandage on my forehead._

_"OW!"__  
_  
**THUMP.**

I never did see the girl again...

**THUMP**. _Skritch_... The pillar made a strange noise.

_"Hey Spock," I walked up to him on our way off the Enterprise for shore leave. "Is there anything you want to do over vacation?"_

_He looked over to me, and smiled in a way that only Spock could. Which was- not very well, not immediately evident, and not really a smile except by Vulcan standards. "Hello, Jim. I had planned to visit the national library, there are several texts that I would like to study." He paused. "Would you like to join me?"_

_My eyes widened. "I would love to! Do you have a ride?" I jumped a little in happiness, before wincing because my breasts bounced. "Ouch!" I whispered. "Spock, be glad you're not a girl- boobs hurt."_

_All I got was a raised eyebrow. "I do not have a current mode of transportation, but I am sure I will be able to find a shuttle for us to take." His face was more relaxed than it normally was, which was Spock for 'I'm glad you're coming with me.'_

_"Oh you don't have to catch a shuttle, that a waste of credits. I can give you a ride." I offered. "It'll be quicker, I'll have more fun- I don't know about you, but I think you'll enjoy it, and I need to start that thing up anyways. What do you say?" I looked into his eyes hopefully._

_He tilted his head a little to the right. "What vehicle do you have?"_

_I smiled._

* * *

_"When you said 'a sweet ride' as a response to my inquiry, I had made the assumption based on your behavioral patterns that you were speaking of a car. Possibly antique," He spoke flatly, staring at the things I had just given him." Not… this. Although true to your pattern of being extremely difficult to predict, I should have known."_

_"Oh quiet, you. Put on your helmet and my jacket, you'll freeze otherwise." I replied, mounting my bike. "I know that Vulcan is much warmer than Earth, and you yourself are particularly adverse to cold temperatures. Put on the jacket, and let me know if you get too cold." It was winter in San Francisco, and I knew that the Vulcan's core body temperature was several degrees cooler than my own. When you live on a desert planet, you have no need for a higher body temperature._

_"Jim, are you positive that this is safe?" Spock intoned from behind the bike. He sounded a little nervous.__"Yes. I wouldn't have offered if anything were wrong. Get on, Spock, I won't let us crash." I smirked at him from under my visor, and started chuckling at how out of character he looked in the black leather jacket and shiny black helmet._

_"I do not see the reason you are laughing, Jim." His cheeks were tinged green._

_I laughed harder. He looked at his shoes.__"No! No! You look great! It's just strange to see you out of uniform, and it looks good on you! I was just surprised, Spock, there's no need to feel self conscious." I quickly consoled him. "Now get on, we're losing daylight." Spock looked at the bike apprehensively, but got on behind me. "Do you think you'll need gloves? I have some, they're in the inside pocket of my jacket."_

_He pulled them on, a silent thank you in the air. He put his arms around me as I started the bike, and as I pushed us off, the heavy motorcycle teetering for a second before stabilizing, I felt like Spock almost broke my ribs with how tightly he squeezed.__"Whoa Spock, off the boobs, I only have two of 'em." I squeaked before we really started going. I took an exaggerated breath once he loosened his Vulcan Death Grip._

_"I apologize." He mumbled into my back._

_I smiled, not that he could see it. "It's alright."_

* * *

_It took us only about forty minutes to reach the library at the speed I was going. Once we got there, I cruised around the parking building, looking for a good spot. The national library in Sacramento, California was the biggest library in the world. So big, it didn't really have a name. Everyone just called it the national library. Even in other countries. It was really rather international, but no one really cared. As long as you followed the rules, nobody gave a crap who you were._

_I saw a spot right next to the elevators, and quickly nabbed it before anyone else would. I had powered down the bike and started to take off my helmet, when I realized that Spock hadn't moved._

_"Spock? You okay, buddy?" I twisted around to look at his face. He was very pale and shaking slightly. "Spock!" I cried out in alarm. "Why didn't you tell me you were freezing?!" I quickly wiggled out of his grip, and got off the bike to face him._

_He was moving very slowly, and he seemed stiff. I grabbed his still-gloved hands and took off the leather gloves as fast as I dared. His hands were about as cold as ice, which was very bad. I momentarily forgot about the Vulcan touch-telepathy when I rubbed his fingers, hoping that the friction would warm them. When it didn't warm him as fast as I needed it to, I sandwiched his hands under my upper arms._

_"…I did not wish to worry you." He spoke softly. "You had already given me your only jacket, as well as your gloves. I was aware that even with your higher body temperature, the air is still considered frigid here."_

_I frowned. "Is that Spock for 'I didn't want to be a bother'?" I raised an expectant eyebrow at him.__He shifted on the bike. _

_"I believe that is an adequate translation into 'Jim'," he conceded. "Jim? My hands… are- warm… now." There was a green tinge on his cheeks._

_"Hmm?" I looked down, and realized that with the way I was pressing his hands to my body, his palms were pressing into my breasts. "Hmm." I let him go, and he flexed his fingers a few times. "You okay now?" I asked him._

_"Yes. Thank you." His cheeks were still green._

_I pressed my lips together in a sly smile. "You need a hug, too?" I waggled my eyebrows. "Because I can give you a nice one…" I continued to talk to him as I secured the bike, stored the helmets, and walked to the library._

_We had a great time enjoying each other's company in the library, with nothing but silence and a few choice books to mark the passage of time._

_Spock did not object when I handed him my sweatshirt for him to wear under the jacket. I think it was mostly due to the glare I leveled at him when he looked unsure. I gladly suffered mild wind burn and stiff fingers for him. Because he was my friend._

_And if it meant saving him, I would tear the world apart._

* * *

I realized that I was reliving the moments that made me who I was today. Which meant that I had one more before I was done. There was only one other moment that made me into James T. Kirk. I had to hurry.

I swung back on the bar as far as I possibly could, and slammed my feet on the pillar.

It snapped back into place, and a thundering roar followed it. The blast that came from the energy reconnecting was strong, and I tumbled to the floor. I groaned at the sharp crack that my back made, but stumbled to my feet.  
_  
__Where…? The… the door…_ I found my way over to the steel opening, and shut the heavy thing behind me as I staggered my way back to Scotty. When I got to the cramped tunnel, I felt tears slip down my cheeks, hot and sticky. I collapsed onto all fours, and started down the tunnel.

_Flash!__  
_  
"Everything's fine, mom. It's just food's a little tight, that's all. There's no need to take a shuttle here, you're on a mission!" My first big lie to my mother. I hadn't eaten in two days.

_Flash!_

Slowly watching my cousins starve to death on Tarsus IV.

_Flash!_

Killing a man for a loaf of old bread. I was only a kid.

_Flash!_

Feeling my body grow weaker with each passing day.

_Flash!_

My periods stopped coming, and I knew that I was starving.

_Flash!_

Lying on the dry and cracked earth, too weak to get up, watching the stars and praying.  
_  
__Flash!_

No help arriving. Most of my cousins were dead.  
_  
__Flash!_

Running my hands over my ribs, counting each one as my fingers dragged over them.  
_  
__Flash!__  
_  
Being picked up in strong arms, fear coursing through me at the thought of a rapist.  
_  
__Flash!_

The strong arms were cool, and rather comforting when I put it together that they weren't hurting me.

_Flash!__  
_  
Being set down on a soft surface, the low hum of voices overhead. I opened my eyes as far as they would go-which was barely a crack to peek through, and seeing men and women rushing around, helping people.  
_  
__Saved._

_Flash!_

I was suddenly collapsed by the glass door that blocked the radiation from flooding the ship_. What…?_ I looked over, and saw that the door was still open.

I heard Scotty speaking. "Engineering to Bridge. Mr. Spock." He paused, probably listening to a response. "Sir, you'd better get down here." Scotty looked over at me. "Better hurry."

I blinked a few times, trying to remember how I'd gotten all the way here so quickly. More time had passed than I thought, because I was roused from my thoughts by the sound of Spock running into the room.

"Jim!" He darted over to the door, and stood there, shocked. He looked at Scotty. "Open it."

"The decontamination process is not complete; you'd flood the whole compartment." Scotty's voice was shaking. "The door's locked, sir."

I saw Spock swallow hard, and he knelt by the door. I grunted as I pushed myself into a sitting position. I leaned against the wall tiredly. I reached up, the effort of doing so nearly making me pass out, but I fumbled for the switch that would close the door to the chamber. I hit it, and the door sealed. I let my hand drop.

"…How's the ship?" I whispered, blinking slowly at Spock.

He looked at me quickly, ascertaining the state I was in. "Out of danger." He spoke softly, grief clear in his voice.

"Good." I panted.

"You saved the crew."

I looked him in the eye. "You used what he wanted against Khan… that's a nice move…" My vision grew slightly fuzzy, and I blinked to clear it.

He swallowed again. "It is what you would have done."

"This-" I swallowed and took a breath. "This is what you would have done. It was only logical," I chuckled, but it quickly turned into a sob. "I'm scared, Spock-" I swore quietly. "-help me not be… how do you choose not to feel?" I didn't think I was capable of speaking any louder than a whisper, and the broken sobs escaping my throat wasn't making it any easier.

Spock looked like what I imagined having your beating heart carved out felt like. He shook his head a little, barely moving. "I do not know." He paused. "Right now I am failing."

Let the world know, that once again, James T. Kirk made the untouchable Vulcan look like a kitten doused in ice-water. And left out in the cold to die.

What Spock had said put no end to the fear in my heart, but I shook it off as best I could.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die." I raised my voice just the tiniest bit that I could manage. "Why I went back for you that day-" A cough escaped my mouth, preventing me from saying what I meant to.

Spock finished. "Because you are my friend."

I smiled. "And-…" I drew in a breath. It was getting harder. "And-… not only do I c-consider you… my friend… but… Spock, I've fallen for you." My vision started to fade, and my eyes widened in fear. I put my hand against the glass, searching for some support of any kind. "I-ve fallen for you, and what a gl-glorious fall it's been, Spock."

The human side of himself that he had tried so hard to suppress for years was fully emerged now. Emotions ran across his face so quickly, that it was a wonder that he had any Vulcan DNA at all. He slowly placed his hands opposite mine, unconsciously forming the sign for respect, hello, and farewell with his fingers. And in that gesture, I understood everything that he didn't have the time to say.

He loved me too. And I was happy. I spread my fingers to match his, and smiled as I drifted into the black.

* * *

**Sequel upon request.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Fox's Garden Presents: Memories of Times Forgotten**

**Part Two: Call me Jim...**

* * *

_It was cold. _

Not a bad cold, not a cold that worked its way into your bones and burned your skin, but a nice cold. Like a cool breeze or getting under the sheets of a nice bed. A pleasant and cool feeling. The cold was a little annoying after a while though, it never changed. There was no wind to stir the air, no movement to vary the temperature or give me something to feel against my skin. There was just… nothingness. There were no scents in the lack of wind- if it was even air at all. There was no ground beneath me, I was floating, but at the same time I was not. It was odd, I couldn't feel anything, and I didn't think I was breathing, but I wasn't scared. Like there was no need to breathe or feel anything yet.

I began to wonder why I was there in the first place_. Where is here? No, wait, why._ Why_ am I here? The _where_ can come later? I guess. Well, I was fixing the warp core, and…having flashbacks. Such an odd word, flashback… Damn it, pay attention! I made my way back to Scotty, and… Spock. Spock came. We talked, didn't we? Yes we did, I told him I loved him. Didn't he say it, too? No, he didn't say it, but I know he feels the same way. _

_It's just so easy to read him. _

I felt the temperature gradually get warmer. I didn't know how long it took, but it was difficult to tell time here. Wherever here was. After what felt like hours-or was it minutes? The heat was almost uncomfortable. And suddenly- there was air to breathe, so I did. I gasped, sucking in hot air that felt heavy, like trying to breathe in smoke. I relished at the feeling of oxygen in my lungs, I hadn't been aware that I had needed to breathe until that moment that I could.

_What if oxygen is an addictive drug that takes up to 120 years to work, but we don't know it because we're addicted from birth?_ With that happy thought, I spent a long time just breathing. I tried to smell something, but there wasn't anything to smell yet. So I stopped trying after a while. I could keep time now, I could count my breaths. I remembered that when I was calm and rested, my breaths were about four seconds long. I didn't really know what I was supposed to do with this trivia, so I just counted my intakes.

At about intake number 4,736, I started to think about Spock. And then it hit me. I was dead. Spock was not. I sure as hell didn't see my dad, my cousins, or my great-grandma Wilma anywhere, so I guessed that the whole 'your soul goes to heaven' BS was, in fact, BS. I would never see him again. And that hurt. It was then that I realized that I could feel pain. A dull ache reverberated throughout my entire body, much less than the constant fire of the radiation, but pain was pain. It hurts_. That's why people don't like it, dummy_.My head told me. I thought back to Spock.

_I wonder how badly that idiot pummeled Khan…_

I was on breath number 260,567. This was getting rather boring, but I put the math at about one and a half weeks into this dark, hot, and BORING nothingness_. Is it going to be like this for the rest of eternity? Because if it is, I want my money back…_

Breath number 302,581. About two weeks in. I could hear now. Muffled voices for a couple thousand breaths, and then silence for couple thousand more. It was like the finest music that made me want to sing and dance and cry and laugh all at once. The voices got clearer, and I hummed a tune inside my head. I recognized Bones, Chekov, Uhura, Sulu, and… my mother? _What is she doing here? And is that-? Oh great, who brought Frank along? What the hell is he even doing here? I don't want to hear his voice for the rest of my afterlife! What are they talking about, anyways?_

I listened closer.

I was too late. I didn't really care… much. I smiled when I heard Bones insulting Frank.

"Good riddance. That man always made Jim feel like punching something. And her mother… I don't know why she came here today. It's been two and a half weeks since she heard about Jim, she couldn't have come sooner?" I heard him sigh.

"When do you zhink she'll wake up, Doctor?" I smiled at Chekov's familiar Russian accent.

"I don't know. She might wake up in five minutes or five years, if she even…" He paused. "Should be soon. Jim's a stubborn bastard like that."

I mind-grinned. _You know it, you crazy, hypo-spray wielding doctor._

_So I'm not dead? Sweet. But where's Spock?_

* * *

I started keeping track of time by what I assumed were days outside my head. After three days of listening, I got bored again. So I thought of Spock again. I could almost see him in the blackness of my head, blue uniform shirt perfectly clean, not a single wrinkle anywhere to be seen, the two silver stripes on his sleeves signaling his rank as both Chief Science Officer and First Officer on my ship. His hair pitch black and shiny, his eyes the most beautiful shade of milk chocolate. His wacky eyebrows, pointed ears, and soft smile, barely more than a quirk of the lips, present on his face. _I make a very good mental Spock. Why does that scare me slightly?_

_Wait-which way is up? There's no ground or gravity in here, so which way is up? Ugh, this is making my head hurt. Think of another topic. Spock is always a good topic! I wonder where he is… I hope he'll visit me soon…_

* * *

Another week passed, and there was still no Spock. I tried to busy myself with trying to remember every conversation that happened by my bedside word-for-word. I failed; miserably. Nothing very interesting happened in my (I was making an assumption here) white hospital room. Seeing as all I saw was black, I played iSpy with myself.

_I spy something… black._

_Hmm… I wonder… could it be… THE INSIDE OF YOUR OWN DAMN HEAD?!_

_Whoa… this is the 30__th__ time in a row you've won! _

_Gee, I wonder why…_

_Are we talking to ourself now?_

_Yes._

_That's a new low._

_Yes._

And finally, after what felt like a forever and a half, I heard his deep baritone.

"Doctor McCoy, how is she?" His silky voice was like angels touching my ears. "Has there been any change?"

I heard Bones sigh in agitation. "No, you green-blooded hobgoblin. Of course there hasn't been a change. You asked me at lunch."

_He's checked on me? How many times? Has he been here but not talking? BONES. YOU TALK A LOT. BUT YOU DON'T SAY ANYTHING._

"I believe you would call it curiosity and concern." Spock sounded sharp and crisp. "Jim is my captain, and my friend, I believe that that constitutes a measure of consistency in confirmations of her status." I couldn't help it, I giggled. In my head. Good lord this place is boring.

"Yeah, but you've been asking _every four hours_ for the past _three weeks_."

_Really?! Yay! Wait- does he sleep?_

They conversed for few more minutes, and I relished in Spock's voice and movements. I heard Bones leave and Spock pull up a chair. He was silent, but I was happy that he was there. It took a few minutes, but just like that night with the bottle of vodka, the words eventually came out.

"Ensign Chekov and Lieutenant Uhura have attempted to explain to me the logic in speaking to someone when they will not wake up, but I fail to understand. Although, at the moment-… it seems like the right thing to do." He paused. I eagerly awaited his next logical statement. I could only imagine the conversation he had had with a stuttering Chekov and chuckling Uhura. "I apologize for not visiting sooner, but the Enterprise has had great need of repairs, as well as several debriefings that the acting captain was required to attend."

_Yeah, those blood-sucking admirals could hold anyone up for three weeks. Three and a half. Whatever. I forgive you, that's the point._

He sighed. "Our previous conversation was… startling, to say the least." _Oh dear… I hope I didn't make the wrong assumption…again. I hope he loves me too! Please, please, please, let him love me too… _"I had to meditate on the subject for several days, in the attempt to gather my thoughts on and after the incident. I have come to the realization that I do not wish to ever feel such fear and sadness ever again. So if you do, in fact, hear me while you are recovering, I ask you to please never do an act similar to that ever again." He let out a breath. "Please Jim, for me."

_I can't promise it if you need me, Spock. But I'll do my very best._

Spock then told me about everything he had been doing the past few weeks. The list included, but was not limited to; clearing the science labs of contaminated experiments, filling out every single piece of paper that found its way to his desk about the Enterprise, (he now needed a new desk, as the orderly stacks of paperwork were both numerous and exceedingly large), beating the admirals back with a metaphorical bat, (they had several recently retired comrades and several current captains gunning for the Enterprise, and I was eternally grateful that he had persuaded them to wait until I woke up to bring up the subject again),he was running daily checks on our lady's wellbeing, and getting Scotty exactly what he needed to fix her up again by a series of threats, blackmail, sites of regulation, lawsuits, and Vulcan Death Glares.

He had also allowed the command crew to go home to be with their families for a few weeks while the Enterprise was repaired in space dock, run up and down the ship giving orders, trying to keep up morale, and delivering news about my status of recovery. All in all, he was running himself ragged, and I was a little worried. He told me about what he had done to Khan, and what had happed to the super-soldier while I was dead. Eventually he stopped talking, and I smiled at the fact that he finally had enough free time to just sit and talk with me like we always did. His presence was very soothing, and I felt giddy over the news of the outside world.

"Jim… The sheer complexity of human emotions baffles me at times, because from an outside perspective, emotions are simple."

_Oh?_ I thought to him, as if he could hear me.

"Emotions are the driving force to survive. Anger, frustration, gratitude, sadness, joy, love; all are driving forces in a human's instincts. Anger to fight, sadness to mourn and appreciate the things that are lost, hope to allow you to keep fighting." I heard a shuffle, as if he were shifting in the chair, sitting up.

_You forget, Spock. You're half-human. That's more than enough to understand what is puzzling you._

"But from an inside perspective…emotions are very complex. Being that I am half-human, I do not feel emotions as strongly as you do, as our many interactions and our friendship have revealed to me. I am unused to strong emotions, so my reactions are severe, and looking back at some of my early interactions with you, I realize that I may or may not have reacted the correct way." I heard him rub his hands together.

_I'm confused… what are you confused about? I should really increase my vocabulary; I'm tired of using the same word twice in a sentence…_

"I am… worried about you. I want you to get better." His voice grew heavy. "I'm scared that you will not wake up. I am agitated due to the lack of structure my daylight hours seem to have without your near constant presence. I am…annoyed with the admirals for wanting to replace you so quickly after you were incapacitated." He sounded like he had a lump in his throat. A large, painful, and suffocating lump that he just couldn't swallow.

I heard him shift again, and I felt a touch on my hand. This was amazing, because I could feel my hands now. Then, like a mighty thundering, I could feel my heart beating. Quick, light, and still slightly weak, but loud and commanding; demanding to be heard. And with a start, I knew which way was up. I didn't realize that the inky blackness had felt like being deep underwater until I could feel myself get closer to the surface. I knew which way was up. I knew where to go. Now if only I could learn how to swim…

In my excitement, I forgot all about the fact that Spock was holding my hand.

* * *

I decided I hated swimming. Or climbing. Whatever the hell you wanted to call it. It was _difficult._ I had realized about half an hour later that Spock was still holding my hand. _Hey, weren't Vulcans touch-telepaths? I wonder if he can hear me…_

I felt around in my head for a presence, and at the very edge of my mind, there was a… blue. A Blue. I didn't really know what else to call it, it was just _there_, and _blue_. I got as close as I could to it, and I… almost _smelled_ Spock. Well, it was more like I could feel that it was Spock, in the way that one would be able to tell whether or not a particular room on the ship was someone's favorite room or not. Spock smelled like bay rum and old books, with just a touch of antiseptic from the science labs. A wonderful smell, if I could say so myself.

I was oozing happiness when I essentially tapped his shoulder. I was shocked when he immediately disappeared. I felt his hand jerk away from mine, and heard him jump._ Huh… _I thought absently. _I guess I must have scared him._

He sat there for a few minutes, presumably in shock, before sighing and getting up to leave. I think that he thought he must have imagined it. I listened to his retreating footsteps sadly.

_Please come back soon, Spock… I miss you._

* * *

**Alrighty then, here's Jim's side of it. Please review! They inspire me, and wouldn't you like to see one or two of your ideas in a story! I know that I would if I were in your position. Which I am, most of the time. Spock's Side of the story is coming soon, but he's difficult to write, so please be patient. ;)**

**Thank you for your time.**


End file.
